rain rain go away

last night hereeee

2009-07-07T04:34:53Z

So it's my last night in my old apartment.... and I'm a lot of things. I'm relieved, scared and excited.

I just set up cable/ internet at my new apartment, so I'm just stealing it here... I've packed up almost everything. Including my starlights so my room is going to be super dark and strange. At least I'm not sleeping alone.

The new place is different than I remember it, but still real good. I just want everything to be moved in and set up and cozy. I'm already stressing out about how to arrange things, I just really want it to feel like home, like the apartment I lived in for a year does.

I think I'm going to like it, maybe even love it, but I don't know for sure so I'm nervous. I just hope I made the right decision.

summer update

2009-06-18T18:05:13Z

So I went from three weeks of summer to three days all too quickly. I made a couple of trips home, but none of them were long enough.

Cary is on the first day of his new job at a trendy retail store on broughton, which excites me mostly for the sweet discount I'm going to get.

Bartending has been pretty sweet lately, I got a twenty dollar tip on a mint julep by some strange accident and I keep getting to leave early cos summer is slow. I don't mind it, though. I'll be really glad nothing is going on with work when class starts on Monday and I'll have to go back to homeworkhomeworkhomework.

I might be going out tonight with Audra for dollar drinks for ladies night at the Jinx. Maybe. I drank pretty heavily a couple nights ago and became non-functioning with a fever for the entire next day.

Big changes are coming in the next couple of weeks, and I'm super nervous. More on that later when I know things for sure.

fuck

2009-06-09T04:21:18Z

life is falling apart

zaneycainnie @ 2009-06-03T22:16:00

2009-06-04T02:21:48Z

So!

I'm living my three weeks of summer before summer school as vivaciously as possible! Shopping lots, beaching lots, eatings out lots, working not a lots.... I'm crazy.

Also, we may might maybe have a new apartment/ carriage house. At least I motherfucking hope so. I'm so over apartment hunting. I just want to know where I'll be living for July.

I have successfully (more like miraculously) slipped through another year of college with my scholarship still in tact. I fucking hope I can make it through my junior year (HOLY SHIT JUNIOR.) in the same condition.

My goals for the month of June;

-Work out with Audra!
-Bar tend my ass off! (TIPS)
-Clean!
-Move!
-Class!

I should be returning to North Carolina in a couple of weeks for hang out time with my cat and my parents. Look for me then!

too much

2009-05-10T05:36:39Z

Sometimes all I want is to be alone with my cat and my boyfriend.

I'm strangely looking forward to summer and less people and more time to be by myself.

So.

2009-05-02T03:55:51Z

The past two weeks;

+Got hired and trained with one of my best friends
+Now officially a bartender at a nice restaurant
+Getting lots of cash tips and a paycheck
+Three more weeks of school

-Went to the emergency room due to a raging ear infection at 4am
-Still haven't gained back my hearing in my right ear
-Homework. Lots of it.
-Summer classes
-Three more weeks of school
-Sick!

Shit.

2009-04-29T17:44:10Z

I've been meaning to update because I lot has happened to me in the past two weeks. However, this really isn't the time to do it. I have class in about five minutes and also; I'm a huge bitch. Shit. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I really can't help but feel like the world's against me. And it's making me be really shitty. I want to stop, but it's hard when I still feel the way I do. I wish I had more time to update and get this bullshit off my chest, but I have to go to a class that I've been doing homework for for around the past thirteen hours. Shit.

life as of now

2009-04-15T04:22:09Z

Cary and I found four Easter eggs around Savannah on Sunday. Two were plastic and had weird little clothespins inside, and the other two were hard-boiled and painted.

Sam and I found out that we've been paying for upstairs and downstairs electricity on our apartment, which had made our bill almost five hundred dollars for the past two months. We investigated, found two sets of switches and turned one off. Our power bill this month was only ninety dollars. We're suing... and hopefully breaking the lease with our stupid crooked canadian landlord so we can move out of the ghetto. Especially since I'm living here this summer, I don't want to get mugged real bad.

I found out today that I'm going to be in school for the next two years straight, with no summer breaks. I think I'm okay with that. I think.

I'm also actively pursuing the perfect kitten. I need a cat in my life. Hopefully I'll be successful, and soon!

School is going well, boyfriend is going well, room mates are going well, friends, car, life. I'm happy.

relationshits

2009-02-09T18:06:46Z

I don't remember being so bad at this.

nooo

2009-01-23T14:11:09Z

I don't want to be so attached. I don't want to be so attached. I don't want to be so attached.

This is too much too fast too soon and I'm too scared. My stomach knots up. I'm nervous all the time. I feel the end of something that has barely started too inevitable that I want to quit while I'm ahead. It doesn't make any sense to me, nothing makes any sense.

I don't want to be drunk off of this anymore. I want to sober up and hope that my urge to vomit surpasses. I want to know that I'm in control of how I feel.

I feel this person is too good to be true. Too perfect. I don't trust it. I want to someday maybe let myself trust it, but not now. I don't know when or if I'm capable.

I don't even know how to slow down. How do you turn off feelings? I want to be aloof and cold and pretty much everything I'm not being.

I'm very conflicted. I want to let this happen and not worry about the outcome and hope for the best because I like him so much. But then I remember how things unfolded for me last time and all I want to do is run.

This is the part of me that makes me want to stop everything and never feel for anyone again. I know it's a part of life to get hurt, but it's all too fresh and familiar to me still.

When I try to hold back I end up just feeling mean and mostly failing. He's so sweet. He doesn't deserve to have me hold back because I'm scared. When I look at him it makes everything inside of me turn to chaos cos I only ever want to be nice to him and make him happy all the while it's scaring the shit out of me. At the same time I like all of this about him. I don't care about our pasts or being so fickle, I can only see good and I just want to do the same.

I'm stupid. I'm jumbled up and confused and scared. I'm directionless. I don't know.

fuckkkkk meee

2009-01-21T04:22:03Z

I really, really like him. I like that he's asleep in my bed. I like how he treats me. I like his face. I like his voice. I like him. A lot.

So I'm fucking scared. A lot. I don't want to like someone so much again so soon.

Fuck, he's just so god damned pretty. And so god damned sweet to me.

This shouldn't feel so wrong. Because it's one of the most right things to ever happen to me. I'm convincing myself otherwise but I know I'm lying.

I have a feeling this is just what I need, but I'm too scared to let myself be completely okay in this. This is chicken shit garbage five year old throw up. Hi, I've got a crush, I'm five years old. I like boys. fjgbsdjvbsv I'm dating someone new.

I'm dating someone new.

It hardly sinks in that the term 'boyfriend' is now associated with someone new. That being in a relationship doesn't mean putting up with a drug addict directionless fuck. Being in a relationship now means arguing over who pays for sushi for the third night in a row and hogging covers and never getting any work done cos I can't drag myself out of bed even though I've been laying in it for four hours already with him.

I like it. I like it so much that I don't want to. I'm so scared. I like him so much.

Why can't this be okay? It feels so comfortable it makes me uncomfortable.

I fawn! I fucking fawn! I hate fawning! I am a pile of warm fluffy mush with kittens and I FUCKING FAWN.

I hate myself!

But I like you so god damned much! fuck!

why am i doing this

2008-12-18T21:23:45Z

your hair is all over my kitchen sink.

i already miss you.

breakup

2008-12-11T13:52:32Z

So that was harder than I expected.... and yet easier?

hmm..

2008-12-06T18:08:01Z

So I'm back in Savannah. I've got a lot of shit to do around the apartment, like clean and unpack...

I have this really weird feeling of being overwhelmed, but I don't know where it's coming from. I mean, it could be a lot of things, like needing a job or that I'm alone in my big apartment in the ghetto. I couldn't unload my car last night when I got home because it was dark.

I think feeling safe and a routine are a little necessary for this feeling to subside.

But don't get me wrong, I'm pumped to be back and see friends and hang out in my apartment. I'm just nervous about being unsure how long I'll stay and what I'll do with my time.

I'll figure it out.

i was nineteen

2008-12-04T00:34:36Z

I turn twenty tomorrow. All I can say is, whoa, nineteen. I never saw you coming.

Good surprises for twenty, too?? I hope so. I like where I'm at right now, so, I hope things only continue to progress in this direction.

Shit. I'm old.

...yep

2008-11-18T01:59:42Z

nbspThe City of Savannah has received your payment for the following citations:
State / Tag Number

Citation Number

Total Balance Due
NC WWH7454

3359695

$112.00
NC WWH7454

2176019

$22.00
NC WWH7454

8419572

$41.00
Service Fee :
$4.85
Total Amount :
$179.85

Date of Payment : 11/17/2008

Credit Card : xxxx-xxxx-xxxx-xxxx

** This is your receipt. Please print for your records.

Fuck, I love Savannah.

Mmhmm

2008-11-10T04:53:43Z

So with a lot of confusion residing recently, though I still have a great deal of work and stress ahead of me, I can say that I'm really fucking happy with my life. I love all of my friends, for once, I actually don't have the burning desire to go home. I think I might stay here in Savannah... but I'm not sure what I'll do. If I do, I'll need a job, but that seems like a difficult thing to manage around the holidays with my birthday in the middle, too.

This is a lot of mind vomit for no reason. Reality is; I have a lot of fucking work to do. Hours, even. Of sculpting Malcolm X out of armiture wire, sculpey and dyed yarn thread. And painting red pandas on photoshop. And fucking myself over by typing this. And hanging out with all of my fucking amazing friends nonstop.

So yeah. My life is beautiful. Not in reality, but in my head, everything is beautiful right now.

Just thought I'd share my lame.

okay

2008-11-05T05:14:03Z

I think I figured it out. But now what to do about it...

hey.

2008-10-25T05:31:44Z

It's hardest when things are easy. My head is a swirl of different thoughts and emotions and I'm standing still without any idea what my next move is.

Why am I like this.

APT

2008-08-27T05:37:32Z

I move in to my apartment in Savannah in less than a week with these two adorable people as my room mates!

EXCITE.

gof

2008-08-12T06:32:49Z

fuck im drunk and i like meteors!

question of the fucking year

2008-08-04T03:22:40Z

What am I doing?!

good lord

2008-07-16T05:08:54Z

Quick updates;

+ My computer works again!
+ I found a sweet fucking apartment in Savannah!
+ I love my room mate!
+ I'm pumped to go back!
+ Recording more music!

- Still don't know what I'm doing!
- Working. Always.

28 days

2008-06-07T05:30:23Z

I can't sleep! I haven't been going to bed earlier than two lately and now I can't let myself fall asleep when I need to. I have to drive my parents to the airport in a couple of hours and then drive out to Mount Airy, run back to Winston, go to work, followed by a busy night!

I have so many decisions to make that I've been avoiding dealing with. Seeing all of my friends in Savannah again really cleared my head about a lot of things.

Everything I've put myself through since the first of May has really put me in a completely different perspective. I have some really tough decisions to make . . .

The future is so open and unknown for me right now. And I know I shouldn't, but I'm kind of enjoying not having a plan. I've had my whole life planned out for a couple of years now and it all completely fell to shit in about a month's time. And very strangely I'm getting pleasure from crashing and burning and picking myself back up on my own.

There are so many options right in front of me and I could take any one of them that I wanted to and be happy.

And even though it seems I'm ready to throw myself in a completely new direction at any given moment, it's not to say that I'm done with everything I intended to do. I guess that's the frustrating part is that even though I could, a part of me is still on hold because I'm just not sure.

I guess the next week is really going to govern the next good bit of my life. I'm pumped to find out what happens to me.

yeeah

2008-05-14T02:22:45Z

So I don't know if what I'm doing right now is necessarily best, but I don't think it's hurting anything and it's only a week or so more I have to deal with it before (I'm hoping) some actual changes occur. Or at least, start to occur.

I'm trying to keep a good head about myself, keep my realizations and understanding in check and I'm pretty much just going where the current situation takes me.

I'm hoping for the best. I've got to. I'll worry about other things when worrying about other things will actually matter. For right now, it doesn't and I need to just make myself happy and focus on fixing me.

So that's what's up. I hope I can stay strong like this. I'm pretty sure I can. It seems to be working out really well for now.

Now I just need to make sure my parents don't hate me.